Greetings fellow bookworms, today I have William Vinson joining me for a guest post about the Ten Secretly Horrifying Christmas Traditions. While you are here, take a look at his buy links and his social media links.
Ten Secretly Horrifying Christmas Traditions
A treat that was once rare and difficult to produce in centuries past is now commonplace and almost universally despised. Because it is awful. Beware those who actually like it, or claim to. And yet, there it is… darkening Christmas tables alongside vast panoply of far superior offerings. Because tradition, that’s why.
9- It’s A Wonderful Life
Drink driving, a car crash, suicide threats, insurance fraud, a stripper/pickpocket, and banking fraud. Christmas!
8- Leaving milk and cookies out for Santa
The rendering of offerings to an unbidden interloper that judges you from afar and is equally likely to leave objects symbolizing your moral unworthiness as he is gifts. A fairly mixed message for children, who are encouraged to celebrate signs that a stranger was in their house while they slept.
The beverage version of fruitcake. If it’s so good, why don’t stores carry it year round? It only serves to help seasonal drinkers dress up their binge drinking in festive garb.
6- Sexy Santa/Mrs. Claus/Elf costumes.
Why? Because costume manufacturers feel they can, that’s why.
5- Christmas Gorging
A key lynchpin in the American weight loss/gain shame cycle. Because they have no shame, gyms now all universally advertise in January… letting us know that we’re all slobs who should lose the weight we put on over the holidays.
4- Half-Hearted Hanukkah Acknowledgments
That’s right, just rub it in. It’s fairly common knowledge that Hanukkah is a minor holiday in the Jewish calendar, but it’s proximity to Christmas transmogrified it into Christmas’s Jewish friend. Waspy housewives across the nation take special care to let their Jewish acquaintances know that they remember they have their own things going on. And without Hanukkah, conservative pundits would have nothing to invisibly reference when they complain about the war on Christmas.
3- A Christmas Story
I appreciate that this film is much beloved. As well it should be, for truly it was a kind of salve for the irritation caused by the effervescent sanctity of the Christmas season.
But in the decades since the films 1983 release, the Christmas season has absorbed it. Now a movie that once was a signal-jamming retort has become a part of the cultural Christmas canon. Played on network television, stripped of what little vulgarity and risqué content it contained, the film is analogous to medical care provided to a torture victim; it only serves to allow us to absorb even more seasonal punishment.
2- Black Friday
A shopping orgy that always results in at least one death. God bless us, everyone.
1- A Christmas Carol
A depressed plutocrat becomes wildly manic after horrific hallucinations. Let’s be honest: if this thing wasn’t in the public domain, hack writers would have to plagiarize something else for their Christmas episodes and specials. Redeeming feature: It gave us Scrooged:
WILLIAM J. VINSON is a character of dubious origins, unusual vocations and regrettable pursuits. His other writings have even less purpose then this treatise, unless kindling is required. He has been overly educated, having received a B.A. and M.B.A. for no Earthly reasons.
FIND WILLIAM J VINSON ON THE WEB
Back Cover Text:
The ancient tales and distant origins of Christmas and its traditions have long been of very little interest to the right thinking. This book seeks to arm the know-it-all, the boor, the acid-tempered and other social miscreants with information designed to harass the sensibilities of the more balanced celebrants of Christmas.
Early scorn for Vinson’s Christmas: And Other Oddities…
“A work of utter madness.” – The London Chronicle
“An inelegant assortment of claptrap, poppycock, balderdash and rubbish with the aftertaste of an ill-stored cod.” – Lloyd’s Illustrated Newspaper
“Repellent tripe of the first order… a tome so vile as to shame Gutenberg himself.” – The Hull Packet
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